“Fear is a tyrant. He’s always telling me to run.”

As I am mentally getting prepared to leave everything I know to leave and go to BSSM, thinking of fundraisers, figuring out how I’m going to get all of my stuff there, what I’m going to have to leave behind, etc., I realize that this is not a small decision. I realize that I am leaving literally the COMFORT of the things I know, to go live 9 months in a place where I don’t know anybody, I won’t have my mom to help me in case something crazy happens, I’m going to have to make new friends (which is so scary to me), and I’m going to have to learn how to live on my own for the first time, which is scary, too! But the making friends part is way more scary then living on my own. Why? I have no clue.

I’m actually going to have to go shopping for my groceries for the first time in my life. And actually budget. And not buy the things I want, but the things I need. Holy crap, I’m going to have to learn how to cook instead of microwaving things all the time (or just going through a drive-thru). As of right now, I have no clue where I’m going to live or how much rent is going to cost. I basically have no credit, somebody’s going to have to cosign with me, and I’m going to have to be financially responsible enough to pay the rent on time every time. I have no clue where I’m going to work, or how many hours I’m able to work. I have no clue if I’m going to have enough money to financially support myself while I’m up there. Oh my gosh, I’m going have to get car insurance, and a California license if I want to work, and I NEED to work. I’m going to have a car payment and car insurance. All of these thoughts flood my mind!

I’m also leaving family (not leaving them, just won’t be near them) that I hold very close to my heart. I’ve had experiences with The River and Katherine’s Way that will forever be imprinted on my soul. Through all these things, I’ve gained the best friends I could ever find, the best family. Family who will drop anything to help you. People who aren’t afraid to tell you when you’re wrong, not to further their cause, but because they care about you and want you to be happy and succeed solely. River people are freaking crazy, and it’s great; it’s the best thing ever. At Katherine’s Way, I saw the love of the Father in its purest form. Most nights of the week, the Lord kept me up praying until two in the morning over the girls,
over their destinies as daughters of God, over the property. He would show me things there through impressions and through dreams of what was going on in the house. I would freak out the new residents sometimes (MOST of the time) because I knew things that I couldn’t possibly know, and it was so cool to see them realize that there is a God, and His name is Jesus, and He knows you from the inside out. I loved to see them conquer their fears, conquer their addictions, conquer trials and get healed inwardly. I loved to see them finally have that bit of freedom that they’ve been chasing after for so long. I have gained many life long friends while I lived there. I found it a privilege live there, and I would do anything to go back.

It would be easy for me to stay in Augusta. I have a job, free rent, a church family, my actual family is here. It’s so hard to leave, and I think that’s a sign itself.

Fear is always telling me to run. That’s what I’ve done my whole life. Run away from things that make me so uncomfortable. It’s very hard for my flesh to go to Redding; it may be easy for others. It was actually uncomfortable for me to move into Katherine’s Way with not knowing a thing about addiction, but that turned out beautifully. I’ve known for quite some time now that the Lord is calling me away. He’s even had to give me dreams (because I’m so stubborn, but He is so good in His mercy) with too many specific details for me, that it would be crazy for me not to go. I know that I know that I know that I have to go. I have no clue what this is going to look like. I don’t know the end result. But I do know that as long as I am walking in obedience to the Lord and being led by Holy Spirit, I’m in for one crazy wild ride, and it’s going to be okay.

So here’s to more experiences with God that make me so uncomfortable that I know it’s Him that’s leading me to do it. I know those things I listed above, like the cooking, and the living on my own may not seem big to you, but they are huge fears to me. I sincerely have no clue how any of it is going to happen. But the Lord will teach me, and help me to have JUST enough. So here’s to growing up with Jesus.

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