Broken 7/16/19

**I just wanted to share this post that I had written in my drafts from a month and a couple of weeks ago. I know many people have gone through this, and I think it’s vital to share these things and be vulnerable.**

Have you ever literally just gotten to the point where you’ve become too weak to fight anymore? You’re just too broken and you’ve become physically exhausted where you could pass out where you’re standing; you’ve become too weak to walk, too weak to breathe even. It could happen over the course of days, months or years, or it could happen in just a moment, where the reality of truth has become a foreign concept. Your world has been turned upside, and has taken on the mask of a face you’ve never seen before.

Honest assessment: this is the state I’ve been in. I don’t know what’s left or right, or what’s up or down. My mental barriers have been so crushed down, and I feel like my emotions are dead. I feel broken, broken beyond repair. There’s people who I don’t trust anymore, and I feel emotionally manipulated. How could I have let this happen, how could I have gotten in this place? I feel guilty, like somehow this brokenness is my fault. Words that have been spoken to me keep on replaying in my head. Do I do what they want me to do? Why is my heart racing? Why am I about to freak out? What am I supposed to do?

There are times where I can just stare into nothing for hours. You feel guilt because you’re a Christian and Christians aren’t supposed to feel this way. I have laid on my bed and asked myself several times, “How did I get here?” It’s like all hope is lost at this point.

How in the world can one get out of that state of mind?

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